Existential Gobbledeegook

Have you ever met the villain of a story that was not your own?

Bet you haven’t.

Think carefully now. Those nameless souls that pass unnoticed by you on the street, do you not think they have villains? Bullies, preachers, antagonists that challenge them on a battlefield they were never trained to fight in. They were, are, made, against their will, to question their time on this planet, made to consider the possibility that their time could have been better used by another. Someone more worthy of the short time given a being of basic carbon should have taken their place. 

And what a cruelty it is to make another being consider such a thing. To take another out of their plane of existence and replace them with a notion, a hypothetical someone, who would better fit the mosaic of this world. They believe their edges to be chipped, unable to fit into any open slot within the grand puzzle, lest they force and wedge themselves into an opening not made for them and bend and impose upon the bordering pieces… how did they know where they fit? What’s wrong with me? Where do I go?

I have never met such a villain unless it was my own. We are all the heroes of our own stories and the victims of those around us. Should another introduce you to the villain in their life, that villain will also be a victim, I assure you. What is done to us is done to others, by us or otherwise, whether we like it or are even aware.

Oh, but are we not all also the heroes? We forget. We forget that we overcome and prevail, only to be struck again and made to be underdogs. How quickly we forget our victories the second we are knocked down.

What if we were no longer heroes or victims? What if we said,

“No. I am neither the light-bringer nor the dweller in the dark. I am the me of my own story. ”

Would your villains still be villains? Or would they simply be… people. Just people, simple sadists who watch you stumble over the existential tripwires laid along your path by life. They did not place them there, though they will be the first to point out that you were ears-deep in muddy crisis. And yet we all do it. We are the villains of someone else’s life, each one of us.

Until there are no more victims or heroes. Then we simply exist as ourselves, free of the distraction of pointing out the worthlessness of others and left to contemplate that for ourselves.

Oh, what wonderful villains we all make.

Yes, I'd Like To Exchange This Vagina For Some Equality

So I’m sitting here, reading this bullshit article on the internet about how men are becoming less manly. Well what does that mean for women? Well the internet seems to think women are TOO manly these days. Not enough of us wear dresses and know how to cook a ham apparently.

What does it really mean to be “manly” or “feminine” anyway? Many people have told me over the years that I’m quite manly myself. Hell, when my grandma was around, she’d complain up and down about how I never wore dresses and should act more “like a lady.” While it’s true I detest dresses and skirts, I don’t really see a wardrobe primarily consisting of jeans, t-shirts and jackets as tomboyish or feminine. I like to think of myself as unisex in many aspects. “Androgynous” is a term I am very fond of.

To me and many of my friends here in the modern age, the phrases “act like a lady” and “man up” mean precisely shit. Why should we? Does it get us anything we don’t already have? What purpose does it serve to further widen the gap between us, started with our genitalia and ending in the amount of money we earn?

In all honesty, manly and girly are not natural ways of perceiving people or the world we live in. When children are born, their gender provides guidelines to others on how to treat the child, whether they like it or not.

“Oh, you’re having a baby? Is it a girl or a boy?”

It’s a fucking baby is what it is. What’s it to you?

Experiments have been conducted on children where people were asked to describe little boys and girls just by looking at them. The girls, of course, were all “precious” and “sweet.” The boys, on the other hand, were “handsome” and a “chip off the old block” (so I guess this study was done in the 1950’s?). Guess what? They’d lied about the genders. Some handsome little girls they had there I guess.

Now I haven’t taken nearly enough liberal arts classes to be able to make an educated guess as to why this is so hard-wired into us as a society, but as far as uneducated guesses go I’d say it’s because people are goddamn stupid. We don’t treat animals this way. God knows that I treat both my dogs, boy and girl, the same way and don’t go out of my way to find the female a pink collar and the boy a blue. No one gives a shit. So why do we put so much emphasis on it for people?

I’m not a modern day feminist by any means and this isn’t because I don’t believe women should be granted the same rights as men. I do. Problem is that feminists have a very skewed way of looking at things. Let’s take (you guessed it!) ponies as an example. When My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic first started its reign over the internet, the fandom began calling themselves bronies. Then a bunch of bitches got their panties all in a twist and decided they didn’t want to be bronies. They wanted to be pegasisters.

Let me tell you… why that’s bullshit.

Aside from the fact that the term pegasister excludes unicorns and earth ponies by way of its very description, it also excludes males. While you may think you have the balls (you don’t) to look me in the eye and say, “Well BRONIES is a term exclusive to males,” I’m going to go ahead and tell you that that’s wrong and you’re retarded. Bronies, a combination of bro and ponies, can be used to describe either gender. I’ve met plenty of women who have earned the title of a bro. We can be dudes, we can be guys, we can be bros and any woman who responds to the phrase, “hey guys” with “UGH I’M NOT A GUY” is probably a complete cunt and should be cast out from the rest of society.

You see, I’m an equalist (and not in the Avatar sort of way), not a feminist. Feminism is the idea that, “Oh. You have a thing. I want a thing, too.” Equalism is more like, “Hey, you have a thing. Can I share that thing?” Equalism is an ideology that does not have room in its ranks for terms like “girl gamer” and “male nurse.” We are gamers and we are nurses. The fact that I have boobs does not hinder my ability to whoop your ass in DPS and having a penis has never gotten in the way of anyone properly impaling someone with an IV. If I ever in my life hear someone say anything along the lines of, “Sorry I couldn’t save that child from the burning building; I am, after all, a female firefighter,” I think I’d swallow my own head and shit it right back out due to the silliness of it all.

What really gets me is this strange concept of everything needing a label. We can’t walk 5 steps out our door without categorizing and sub-categorizing everything and everyone we see. Does it benefit us in any way? It honestly just kind of makes us dicks. Over the course of my life, I’ve heard shit like, “A man isn’t a man unless he does this, that and the other thing.” FALSE. A man isn’t a man if he has a vagina. (Hell, as far as I’m concerned, a man can be a person with a vagina who claims they’re a man because they want to be. I don’t give a shit; call yourself a goose for all I care.) That’s it. It’s really fucking simple. I eagerly await the day we are classified as people before we’re labeled as man, woman, girl, boy, trannie, or (my personal favorite) OTHER.

Though I doubt that day will come in my lifetime. 

Pokemon: An Adequate Substitution for Affection

So I recently had an epiphany. Relationships... are like Pokemon.

Did I lose you? Alright, bear with me a little longer.

So for those of you who don't know, Pokemon Black 2 recently came out for the DS and DAMN was I excited (for both the game and the coloring pages I got when I pre-ordered. Because I'm gangster, that's why.) This series has been around since I was 8 or 9 years old so I have literally spent the majority of my life enamored with Pokemon. Generation 1, 2, 78, whatever, they all kick ass. But, as anyone who has played through the games will tell you, there's definitely a constant theme during your quest, regardless of which version of the game you've played; a recurring pattern along your journey to catch 'em all, if you will.

You start out in a low-level zone every time... with wild Pokemon levels 2-5, all of them ranging anywhere from shitty (I'm looking at you, Dunsparce) to meh, at best. But you catch them! You catch them because you need them to further you along on your journey. I mean, yeah, you can just grind your one starter Pokemon alone the whole way but what happens when you encounter all those damn Grass-types and all you have is your stupid Squirtle? Yeah, it can be done, but it's not the most efficient way to go about it.

So we catch a Rattata... or a Pidgey. Something to give us a little extra boost, even if we're not that enthralled with them. We need them to help us get to where we need to go. (The Pokemon League, for those of you who didn't have a childhood.)

Seeing any correlations here yet? No? Alright, let me spell it out for you.

When we're young, let's say high school, our options of potential mates are fairly... well, shitty to meh. We have our pick of:
Dude with 50 facial piercings and a police record
Smelly kid with rolly backpack who spend all day in the library reading manga
Annoying popular bitch with the personality of a grapefruit
That one kid you're pretty sure is going to shoot up the school one of these days

Those are your options for the most part... that's what you have to work with. Not too great, right? Sort of like Rattatas and Pidgeys. But little do we realize that the dude in the library might have the potential to be Google's next CEO... in the same way a crappy Pidgey eventually evolves into a kickass Pigeot. All it takes is time and patience. Sure, we may actually find our own little Cindaquil (which is awesome in itself, disregarding the fact that it'll be even MORE awesome when it evolves) if we're lucky... but like I mentioned earlier, going through your whole journey with one Pokemon isn't a walk in the park. He or she may be the most perfect thing you've ever encountered but what happens when there's a battle you don't know how to overcome, something you didn't train for or expect? What happens when life blindsides you with one really hard fight and all you have is the experience of one Pokemon, one person, to count on? Sure, some people tough it out and make it... but at great cost. You may end up burnt, poisoned or paralyzed from the encounter because you didn't have anything else under your belt to help you.

Even if they do have awesome potential, and some partners certainly do, it doesn't mean we'll keep them around forever. I'm sure a lot of people think their first love is going to be THE ONE but how often does that really come to pass? If we're wise, we'll understand that we'll need to have a lot of failures and mistakes (moments of "I immediately regret this decision" are common) before we can recognize a good partner.

I didn't catch a Purrloin because I thought a Liepard was a great Pokemon to have on my team... I caught it because I needed it to get further along, to beat some gym leaders and find my way to Route 7 where I could catch something more versatile, something stronger, something that will be a better asset to my own team. Does it mean I don't appreciate my Purrloin? Hell no. That thing was with me when I needed it, when my options were limited and my team needed to stay alive. Purrloin was there to help me move forward, closer to where I needed to be.

Eventually we might even trade in all of our starter Pokemon for our ultimate team... just like we keep trading in partners for someone that better suits us and our needs. But we should never take them for granted. They helped us develop, pushed us further down our path to our end-game goals of finding that one person that would be exactly what we were looking for. Just as my Purrloin was an essential asset to my initial team, everyone I ever dated, loved, or felt any form of strong emotion for was instrumental to getting me to where I am now. For that I am eternally grateful.

I came upon this moment of clarity when I was lying in bed, playing Black 2 and dreading my next family gathering where I would inevitably end up introducing my new boyfriend (I say "new" but the new boyfriend smell has long-since faded) to everyone. I know what they'll think, "Oh, she has a new guy every week." Though I could really give a shit what they have to say about my personal life, I hate having that conversation. Now I know how to go about it. Yes, I've had quite a few boyfriends. Know what that means?

More exp. points. Get on my level.

Just because you don't have the same team when you reach the Indigo Plateau that you did at the starting gates... it doesn't mean they were any less help in getting you there.


(PETA, I eagerly await your hate mail.)

Oh, "Smile More?" I Thought You Said, "Please Kick Me In The Balls"

You know what people love to do? Go around and tell you what the hell you should do when you didn't even ask for their goddamn opinion. I'll be walking around, minding my own business, when some old man or middle aged lady will seriously strut right up to me and tell me, "You know, you should smile more." Lady, what in the blue hell do I have to smile about? I am on my way to work/WalMart/the bank/Bronycon HQ so I can have a nice "chat" about whose brilliant idea it was to hold the happiest occasion of the year in the armpit of America (Jersey.) I'm not necessarily UPSET and should remedy that with a big shit-eating grin, this is just what my face looks like when I go about my day. These are my default settings. Who the hell are you to walk up and tell me to smile? Unless your name begins with P and ends with inkie Pie, you can promptly go fuck yourself.

Look, I'm all for self-improvement but if you intend to go around and tell people to do this and that because it'd make them better somehow, you better have some fucking credentials handy. I'm not about to take lifestyle tips from people wandering the streets of glorious San Fernando Valley.

"Wow, you've been going around smiling a lot more lately. Something happen?"
"Yeah. Some guy wearing a garbage bag on his head told me to."

Then there are the ones you know, people you may consider anything from an acquaintance to a friend, who can't seem to keep their mouths shut. These people I'll be far more willing to listen to and take to heart but you can't just go around telling me off without warning like some of you do. It's like all my friends got together and decided on a game of, "Who can catch Dani off guard with an offhand remark?" and I was not informed (though I suppose that would defeat the purpose but still...). There I am, sitting at a cafe with a friend, having a lovely time when there's a small lull in the conversation... and then suddenly, "You know what annoys me about you, Dani?" BAM. Right out of left field. Seriously? It's not like anything happened at that moment that sparked that need to tell me I suck; I was literally just. Sitting. There. (And not once has it been the way I sit or sip my coffee that was the issue.) No, no, no. They'll bring up some shit I did a while back or lifestyle choices I happen to make that they don't particularly agree with. It's just been something they've apparently wanted to let me know pissed them off for a good while now and they wanted to wait until the most awkward fucking time to let me know.

I get it, I'm not the most perfect human being to ever grace this planet. This isn't news to me. But guess what? I'm pretty ok with myself, flaws and all. I'm even ok with hating my flaws! Keeps my ego in check, you know?
I know I may sound like a hypocrite since I make it a point to let my friends know how much I hate the clothes they wear because it makes them look like an unemployed teenager or how they should probably brush their hair once in a while if they ever intend to get laid... but I don't do it out of fucking nowhere. I offer advice (or, you know, demands, depending on who you are to me) to those who bitch and moan about the sad state of their lives or love lives and can't seem to fix it. That's where I come in. You want to nail that interview? You may want to consider a shower and a haircut. Annoyed that no girl will sleep with you? Maybe start dressing better and working on your approach. (Sitting 2 seats away at a bar and occasionally glancing at her is not what I'd consider an "approach." In fact, that could probably be defined as the opposite of an approach.) If you're ok with your situation, I will probably keep my mouth shut and let you look like a hobo with cake frosting in your beard all you damn well please. Doesn't bother me any.

I guess it's human nature to just sort of assume we're an authority on everything ever. Trust me, if I want your input, I will make it a point to let you know. But if I tell you, "Oh, this is what I do to stay in shape," immediately blurting out, "I KNOW A GOOD WAY TO STAY IN SHAPE, YOU JUST HAVE TO--" is a surefire way to make me never want to talk to you again. No joke, I was recently having a conversation about staying in shape with someone and he was trying to tell ME that I should do this, that or the other thing. Dude was at least 75 lbs overweight and no, it wasn't muscle mass. I didn't even bother telling him that drinking mountain dew every other day was probably a bad idea because apparently he was an expert on fitness so hey, more power to him. 

You should also remember that there's a distinct difference between "he needs advice" and "I don't like that he does that." The latter is really what gets me. Look, I get we're friends and all... but we all have character traits that may set the other person's teeth on edge every now and again. Do I wait around for a random moment to let you know just how annoying I find your stutter? No? Then I don't really want to hear your opinions about my taste in men. Sounds fair, right? Now if I ASK... that's another story entirely. But I don't. Because I don't care. This is a friendship, not a Starbucks where you can say, "Yeah, the drink is good but it's a bit too sweet" and send it back until it's perfect.

"Yeah, you're a good friend and all but I don't really like that you curse so much/eat too fast/blink so often." That so? Let me put in a complaint with my birthgiver and she can try again.

I think we all just really need to get over ourselves (yes, myself included, hurr hurr) because GUESS WHAT... no one knows everything about everything. If I was qualified to lecture people about fitness, I probably wouldn't have these giant thighs. I've certainly given my share of bad advice over the years. I've also asked for advice when I pretty much knew what I wanted and regretted not doing what I initially intended to.

Honestly, this whole post was meant to be a rant about how much I hate strangers telling me to smile (because this really does happen on a monthly basis and it's not like I can just go out and order a new fucking face) and it just sort of escalated into, "You know what? That's shit that these other people do... that's not cool either."

So basically, what I'm trying to say is fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

I'm Sorry, I Didn't Realize I'd Wandered Into NoMeansYesland

For years now, I've been asked to explain to my male friends the complexity of the typical female mind. Scores of books have been written on the topic and people still can't seem to figure us out. What's with the subtle hints? What do all our little nuances mean? Why can't we just be straight-forward with what we want?

Waa. Waa. Fucking waa.

You know what I find hard to grasp? How guys can have the brass balls to talk to me about women never being straight forward when all I ever get are guys beating around every bush they can find and never saying what's really on their mind. Don't know what I'm talking about? Alright, I'll elaborate.

In the same way that women have little codes like, "I'm fine" (Read: I'm very upset right now but I don't really want to argue) and, "No, I don't mind" (Read: I very much mind but I don't want to act like a bitch and say I do), men offer even less insight into their minds when the gears start turning. I can't even count the amount of times I've had to coax frustrations and "talks" out of a guy because he just sat there in monk-like silence, looking annoyed but not saying anything. I KNOW you're upset; I can see it all over your goddamn face. Just fucking SAY so; don't make it feel like pulling teeth. At least when women are upset, we give you vocal cues in addition to our pissed off expressions so you can piece together how we probably feel.

Now I'm not going to sit here and condone anyone using hints and codes to get their thoughts across. I strongly advocate open communication as that is the fastest and most efficient way to make sure shit gets dealt with. The time that you waste on "looking" annoyed could be time spent solving the issue and fixing whatever it was that annoyed you. It is for this very reason that I also make it a point to never go to bed angry. I honestly don't give a crap about negative energy in the bedroom or any of that bullshit... it's mostly because I don't want to wait until morning to resolve whatever happens to be upsetting me. If it can be dealt with now, deal with it now.

Sometimes I honestly do feel like I'm in high school again. My friends are all in their 20's and some even in their 30's and they still pull that, "I'm not going to tell him/her that I like him/her but I'm going to make it VERY OBVIOUS and hope they get it" nonsense. Really? Are you fucking serious? It really is just such a breath of fresh air when someone straight up asks me to coffee or dinner and makes their intentions CLEAR. I'm starting to think that shit doesn't even happen anymore. Instead, they just ask me to "hang out"... and when I do come over to do just that, they wonder why nothing ever progresses and bitch endlessly about it on internet forums.
"I asked her to come by and play video games and eat pizza once and she's still not my girlfriend. THE FRIENDZONE SUCKS YOU GAIZ."
Everyone is so keen to keep themselves out of the line of fire but make their feelings so blatantly obvious, the person receiving said feelings would have to be a fucking div not to get it. This especially annoys me because that puts the pressure on the person on the receiving end, thus making them responsible for moving anything forward. Seems a bit backasswards to me.


Of course, women aren't exactly an innocent party when it comes to sending mixed messages and giving demands in some uncrackable code; hell, we've practically made it into an art. Women can have full conversations with one another utilizing no more than eye movements and tilts of the head. Yes, it's fun to confuse the poor males around us while we "talk" about them in our mystic chick language, but don't bring that shit into serious conversation and expect them to pick up on it. In his mind, "Oh, are you wearing those jeans to dinner?" does not equate to, "Put on some proper pants so I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you in public."

No one in this world seems capable of speaking their mind. I don't know if it's because they can't properly form a goddamn sentence and use their noise hole to tell others what they want or because they're all just cowards but it infuriates me all the same. So you don't want to put yourself out there and risk getting rejected... well, you sure as shit won't be the one to get picked either, I'll tell you that, ya pussy.

Then there are those that know exactly what they want to say but twist their words around so all I hear is some cryptic moonspeak that now I have to decipher because... well I don't actually fucking know why. Now suddenly, "I'd love to get dinner with you sometime" becomes, "Oh man. My friend and I were supposed to go to this awesome Thai place down on Ventura but his car had a flat so now he can't go. So bummed." Now you're just telling me a story. What the hell do you want me to say? "Oh, I'LL go with you!" Well that just sounds presumptuous now, doesn't it? How am I supposed to know that was your convoluted way of asking me to dinner and not just you making conversation? I don't fucking know; I'm not psychic. So I just say, "cool story bro" and go on with my day. Unbeknownst to me, I am now a friendzoning bitch because I'm not a cryptographer.

You know what? I think I'm just going to stop giving a shit. If you don't have the balls to tell me what you want, I'm just not going to bother figuring it out. That isn't to say I CAN'T... I am, as a matter of fact, fucking brilliant at telling when people have shit they want to say, but I'm just sick of death of enabling this juvenile behavior. This isn't a case of meeting you halfway; your personal feelings, issues and thought processes are not my problem. Both genders are guilty of pulling this crap and in equal amounts so you can stop bitching about how "men never talk about their feelings" and "women need to stop giving hints." You're all retarded and you all need to stop.

My, What An Ugly Child You Have!

I've been trying to write this particular article for some time now and I stop every time I begin. Sometimes I stop because I lose interest. Other times it's because I just begin to get annoyed with the subject and have to go do something else before I punch a hole in something. This time I'll do it. Or I'll try very, very hard at least.

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't like children. Now if you've known me for a while, you'll be very much aware of this fact and probably hesitant to bring it up because you see how peeved I get just talking about it. I do get peeved... and for good reason, I think. Children annoy the effervescent shit out of me and I will tell you why.

On their own, small kids are not pleasant things. They are selfish, shrieking little parasites who will howl non-stop until they get their way. I am well aware that they "don't know any better" and, while I understand the concept, am no less annoyed because of that. If you use that argument, you are admitting that they are incomplete. They have not learned proper social etiquette, manners or general rules of behavior necessary to co-exist with others. If this was an adult who portrayed such behaviors, people would lock him or her up in a government facility. Kids, on the other hand, get treated like tiny gods for acting this way.

Then there's the whole "But they're so cute!" nonsense. No, they're not. Stop bullshitting. Maybe when they're 6 or so they start looking like a proper human being but before that, they are awkwardly shaped at best and generally hideous mutant-looking things at worst. I honestly don't give a crap whose eyes they have; they're too big for their bodies and that's all I can think about when I look at one. Hell, when I was born, apparently I was so ugly I made my mom cry. Turns out I was just positioned weird in the womb so my nose was all crooked for a bit but after that fixed itself, I was still wonky-looking. Giant ears, wobbly neck, freckles everywhere... I was not an attractive kid. At least my mom was honest about it and that's more than I can say for the other gushing parents out there who think drool and snot is adorable.

Let's not forget my FAVORITE (read: most hated) argument... potential. That's the word they love to throw at me. People just love kids because of all of their potential. What people don't seem to realize is that these little brats have the potential to be ANYTHING. They could become the President of the United States someday... and they could become a serial rapist. The odds are pretty much 50/50 at this point. But for some reason, everyone acts like they're so goddamn sure the kids are DEFINITELY going to do something good with their lives so they praise, spoil and downright worship them. Honestly? Most kids turn out to be shitheads just like the rest of us. That's just a statistical fact.

Those same people then turn around and treat other adults like shit. Children have done absolutely nothing for society and they get more love and respect than any hard-working, tax-paying adult you see on the street. People will cry crocodile tears at the first mention of a child dying (despite the fact that a lot of them aren't even self-aware yet and don't realize what's going on) but will not hesitate to step over your corpse for a better parking spot. They'll treat most strangers with no regard for their well-being when the odds of them being the next Nobel prize recipient are also 50/50. That kid you shower with gifts and affection for having done absolutely nothing will grow up to be a dick for all you know... and the guy you just cut off in traffic could be the guy that cures cancer. Hypocrites, the lot of them.

"Oh, you won't think that way when you have your own--" Stop right there. I will have you know that I do not intend to sire any hellspawn of my own, thank you very much. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why people are so keen on having 20 kids when they can barely afford 1. And then they get government checks for it, too! Why are we rewarding these mindless BREEDERS?! People who have children just for the sake of having children?! It baffles me. Their genes are never particularly amazing (I'd be willing to bet diabetes and "thyroid problems" run in a lot of those families, go figure) and the kids just grow up sharing old, beaten toys because the parents were too short-sighted to realize, "Well... I could have 5 kids and only be able to provide the bare minimum for them... or I could have 2 and give them better opportunities. Like college." I'm pretty sure most of them do it just for the novelty of it. Oh, look, you procreated. How special and original. No one in the history of the planet has ever managed THAT before. You must be so proud.

No, no. I intend to adopt. Instead of passing along my bad back, bum knees, slow metabolism and bad eyesight I think I'll just give a home to a kid who already exists and is in need of a better life. I also figure an adopted kid would be more grateful for getting him or her out of a third-world country and into a good home whereas some kid I popped out would take everything I gave for granted. Plus I don't find the idea of going through pregnancy appealing in the least. I mean, you never really know what you're going to get when you have your own... like I said, 50/50 he's going to turn out rotten. Then you have to go through the sleepless nights that inevitably come with having an infant, the drooling, the crying, the puking, the diaper changing... OR you could take in an 8 year old who already has something of a personality you can gauge and use a toilet on his own.

Above all, I am sick to death of being told I'm a freak for thinking this way. "Wired wrong." That's the term they love to use. Women are supposed to be programmed to love and cherish these small parasites, not cringe at them. Why would I love something that has done nothing for me? Why should I give a shit about this shrieking thing that looks like something out of a horror film? I don't know how to talk to one, nor would I want to. They have nothing of importance to say. "I like cows." Well fucking good for you. Come back to me when you can hold a conversation or do something worthwhile. Wired wrong...

Fuck you. You're wired wrong, you self-righteous cunts.

Love and Tolerate. Yes, Even the Haters.

Let's talk about My Little Pony. (Why? Because fuck you, that's why.)
I've recently noticed a surge of interest in Bronies. For those of you (that I guess live under a rock) who aren't aware, Bronies are fans of the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The main demographic of fans are, believe it or not, heterosexual males between the ages of 16 and 30. Don't get me wrong, this show WAS intended for small children, primarily little girls, but things don't always go as intended in life, do they? It is because of this unconventional fanbase that news organizations have taken it upon themselves to have a nice, long, judgmental laugh at our expense.

While Bronies themselves have been around for a little while now, it seems as though only recently has the media started to give a shit. Unfortunately, most articles I read that pertain to the subculture are thinly veiled in a context of biases, false assumptions and harsh judgment. I'd like to take a moment here to clear the air.

I myself am a Brony (I don't like the term Pegasister, I prefer more universal and inclusive titles to those that separate by gender). Like most, I was skeptical at first and thought of the whole "movement" as nothing more than just a passing fad. I initially stumbled across this whole... thing... when I was lurking 4chan (I'm very predictable) and I noticed people posting thread after thread filled with nothing but colorful, girly-looking ponies. I thought, "Oh, here's another troll fad. At least this is better than when people just went around posting monorails." However, unlike monorails, these pony threads simply wouldn't. go. away. So I decided to see what all the fuss was about and watch a few episodes.

And a few more.

Ok, and maybe one or two more, but that's IT.

Before I knew it, I'd watched all 26 episodes and sat there thinking to myself, "... So when's the next season start?" Two years later, I now have myself an ever-growing collection of pony figurines and I couldn't give any less of a buck what anyone has to say about it.

Like any Brony will tell you, the show is surprisingly well-written and animated. The colors flow beautifully, the dialogue isn't cheesy and predictable, and the characters are all relatable. There's action (well, as much as you can expect from a kids' show), drama and of course... LESSONS. I mean, what kind of animated show would it be if you didn't learn anything at the end? Hell, even Spongebob can teach you something every now and again.

So what exactly makes this show so unique? Why are grown men and women flocking to this like moths to an adorable flame? I'll tell you why: Because it's good. It really is that simple. There's no mind-control, no deep, dark secret, nothing. My Little Pony just happens to be one of the most entertaining, funny, and engaging shows developed in a long, long time. It's got everything you could ever want in a show and more. Yet instead of actually giving it an honest try, people just laugh at us for watching something that was intended for little girls. Yeah, and?

The best part about being a Brony is not giving a shit about what anyone else thinks about our show. Do you know why? Because the only people who give us crap are the ones who haven't actually given it a chance. I know we can come off as cult-like sometimes with how crazy the fanbase has become (I mean, we have our own convention already) but we won't MAKE you do anything you don't want to. Yes, we'll try to get you to watch an episode or two, but whether or not you will (and if you do, whether or not you LIKE it) is entirely up to you. Out of 6 people I've recommended the show to, 4 became fans. The other 2? Well, you win some, you lose some. If it's not their thing then there's really not much more we can do.

What bothers me is how everyone is so quick to write us off as a bunch of nutters without really taking a moment to see what's actually going on. How many other things exist in this world that can make this many people happy? How many trends, followings or fandoms transcend age, race, gender, religion and sexuality simultaneously? We do what we do because we want to and it makes us happy, regardless of how old we are or what we're sporting between our legs.

Yes, My Little Pony was created with children in mind... but that doesn't mean they're the only ones that can benefit from it. We may be adults, we may think we don't need lessons about life, love and friendship like children do... but we're wrong. My Little Pony reminds us of the important shit we forgot along the way because we were too busy focusing on growing up. Many of us tend to forget the lessons we're taught as children because everyone tells us that we need to concentrate on being responsible, hard-working adults. As important as that may be, we tend to leave other, equally important aspects of life behind... like what it means to be kind to others or to ask for help when we truly need it.

We aren't trying to recruit people for a massive pony army, I promise. Personally, I just want people to enjoy something so great as much as I do. It's made me happy and I'd like my friends to be happy as well. We don't hold any resentment for non-Bronies; after all, our motto is to Love and Tolerate. So while judgmental douchebags like Fox news may take pleasure in taking jabs at us, I'd just like to take a second to remind everyone that Bronies are doing absolutely nothing wrong... and trust me when I say that we're here to stay.