My, What An Ugly Child You Have!

I've been trying to write this particular article for some time now and I stop every time I begin. Sometimes I stop because I lose interest. Other times it's because I just begin to get annoyed with the subject and have to go do something else before I punch a hole in something. This time I'll do it. Or I'll try very, very hard at least.

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't like children. Now if you've known me for a while, you'll be very much aware of this fact and probably hesitant to bring it up because you see how peeved I get just talking about it. I do get peeved... and for good reason, I think. Children annoy the effervescent shit out of me and I will tell you why.

On their own, small kids are not pleasant things. They are selfish, shrieking little parasites who will howl non-stop until they get their way. I am well aware that they "don't know any better" and, while I understand the concept, am no less annoyed because of that. If you use that argument, you are admitting that they are incomplete. They have not learned proper social etiquette, manners or general rules of behavior necessary to co-exist with others. If this was an adult who portrayed such behaviors, people would lock him or her up in a government facility. Kids, on the other hand, get treated like tiny gods for acting this way.

Then there's the whole "But they're so cute!" nonsense. No, they're not. Stop bullshitting. Maybe when they're 6 or so they start looking like a proper human being but before that, they are awkwardly shaped at best and generally hideous mutant-looking things at worst. I honestly don't give a crap whose eyes they have; they're too big for their bodies and that's all I can think about when I look at one. Hell, when I was born, apparently I was so ugly I made my mom cry. Turns out I was just positioned weird in the womb so my nose was all crooked for a bit but after that fixed itself, I was still wonky-looking. Giant ears, wobbly neck, freckles everywhere... I was not an attractive kid. At least my mom was honest about it and that's more than I can say for the other gushing parents out there who think drool and snot is adorable.

Let's not forget my FAVORITE (read: most hated) argument... potential. That's the word they love to throw at me. People just love kids because of all of their potential. What people don't seem to realize is that these little brats have the potential to be ANYTHING. They could become the President of the United States someday... and they could become a serial rapist. The odds are pretty much 50/50 at this point. But for some reason, everyone acts like they're so goddamn sure the kids are DEFINITELY going to do something good with their lives so they praise, spoil and downright worship them. Honestly? Most kids turn out to be shitheads just like the rest of us. That's just a statistical fact.

Those same people then turn around and treat other adults like shit. Children have done absolutely nothing for society and they get more love and respect than any hard-working, tax-paying adult you see on the street. People will cry crocodile tears at the first mention of a child dying (despite the fact that a lot of them aren't even self-aware yet and don't realize what's going on) but will not hesitate to step over your corpse for a better parking spot. They'll treat most strangers with no regard for their well-being when the odds of them being the next Nobel prize recipient are also 50/50. That kid you shower with gifts and affection for having done absolutely nothing will grow up to be a dick for all you know... and the guy you just cut off in traffic could be the guy that cures cancer. Hypocrites, the lot of them.

"Oh, you won't think that way when you have your own--" Stop right there. I will have you know that I do not intend to sire any hellspawn of my own, thank you very much. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why people are so keen on having 20 kids when they can barely afford 1. And then they get government checks for it, too! Why are we rewarding these mindless BREEDERS?! People who have children just for the sake of having children?! It baffles me. Their genes are never particularly amazing (I'd be willing to bet diabetes and "thyroid problems" run in a lot of those families, go figure) and the kids just grow up sharing old, beaten toys because the parents were too short-sighted to realize, "Well... I could have 5 kids and only be able to provide the bare minimum for them... or I could have 2 and give them better opportunities. Like college." I'm pretty sure most of them do it just for the novelty of it. Oh, look, you procreated. How special and original. No one in the history of the planet has ever managed THAT before. You must be so proud.

No, no. I intend to adopt. Instead of passing along my bad back, bum knees, slow metabolism and bad eyesight I think I'll just give a home to a kid who already exists and is in need of a better life. I also figure an adopted kid would be more grateful for getting him or her out of a third-world country and into a good home whereas some kid I popped out would take everything I gave for granted. Plus I don't find the idea of going through pregnancy appealing in the least. I mean, you never really know what you're going to get when you have your own... like I said, 50/50 he's going to turn out rotten. Then you have to go through the sleepless nights that inevitably come with having an infant, the drooling, the crying, the puking, the diaper changing... OR you could take in an 8 year old who already has something of a personality you can gauge and use a toilet on his own.

Above all, I am sick to death of being told I'm a freak for thinking this way. "Wired wrong." That's the term they love to use. Women are supposed to be programmed to love and cherish these small parasites, not cringe at them. Why would I love something that has done nothing for me? Why should I give a shit about this shrieking thing that looks like something out of a horror film? I don't know how to talk to one, nor would I want to. They have nothing of importance to say. "I like cows." Well fucking good for you. Come back to me when you can hold a conversation or do something worthwhile. Wired wrong...

Fuck you. You're wired wrong, you self-righteous cunts.

Love and Tolerate. Yes, Even the Haters.

Let's talk about My Little Pony. (Why? Because fuck you, that's why.)
I've recently noticed a surge of interest in Bronies. For those of you (that I guess live under a rock) who aren't aware, Bronies are fans of the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The main demographic of fans are, believe it or not, heterosexual males between the ages of 16 and 30. Don't get me wrong, this show WAS intended for small children, primarily little girls, but things don't always go as intended in life, do they? It is because of this unconventional fanbase that news organizations have taken it upon themselves to have a nice, long, judgmental laugh at our expense.

While Bronies themselves have been around for a little while now, it seems as though only recently has the media started to give a shit. Unfortunately, most articles I read that pertain to the subculture are thinly veiled in a context of biases, false assumptions and harsh judgment. I'd like to take a moment here to clear the air.

I myself am a Brony (I don't like the term Pegasister, I prefer more universal and inclusive titles to those that separate by gender). Like most, I was skeptical at first and thought of the whole "movement" as nothing more than just a passing fad. I initially stumbled across this whole... thing... when I was lurking 4chan (I'm very predictable) and I noticed people posting thread after thread filled with nothing but colorful, girly-looking ponies. I thought, "Oh, here's another troll fad. At least this is better than when people just went around posting monorails." However, unlike monorails, these pony threads simply wouldn't. go. away. So I decided to see what all the fuss was about and watch a few episodes.

And a few more.

Ok, and maybe one or two more, but that's IT.

Before I knew it, I'd watched all 26 episodes and sat there thinking to myself, "... So when's the next season start?" Two years later, I now have myself an ever-growing collection of pony figurines and I couldn't give any less of a buck what anyone has to say about it.

Like any Brony will tell you, the show is surprisingly well-written and animated. The colors flow beautifully, the dialogue isn't cheesy and predictable, and the characters are all relatable. There's action (well, as much as you can expect from a kids' show), drama and of course... LESSONS. I mean, what kind of animated show would it be if you didn't learn anything at the end? Hell, even Spongebob can teach you something every now and again.

So what exactly makes this show so unique? Why are grown men and women flocking to this like moths to an adorable flame? I'll tell you why: Because it's good. It really is that simple. There's no mind-control, no deep, dark secret, nothing. My Little Pony just happens to be one of the most entertaining, funny, and engaging shows developed in a long, long time. It's got everything you could ever want in a show and more. Yet instead of actually giving it an honest try, people just laugh at us for watching something that was intended for little girls. Yeah, and?

The best part about being a Brony is not giving a shit about what anyone else thinks about our show. Do you know why? Because the only people who give us crap are the ones who haven't actually given it a chance. I know we can come off as cult-like sometimes with how crazy the fanbase has become (I mean, we have our own convention already) but we won't MAKE you do anything you don't want to. Yes, we'll try to get you to watch an episode or two, but whether or not you will (and if you do, whether or not you LIKE it) is entirely up to you. Out of 6 people I've recommended the show to, 4 became fans. The other 2? Well, you win some, you lose some. If it's not their thing then there's really not much more we can do.

What bothers me is how everyone is so quick to write us off as a bunch of nutters without really taking a moment to see what's actually going on. How many other things exist in this world that can make this many people happy? How many trends, followings or fandoms transcend age, race, gender, religion and sexuality simultaneously? We do what we do because we want to and it makes us happy, regardless of how old we are or what we're sporting between our legs.

Yes, My Little Pony was created with children in mind... but that doesn't mean they're the only ones that can benefit from it. We may be adults, we may think we don't need lessons about life, love and friendship like children do... but we're wrong. My Little Pony reminds us of the important shit we forgot along the way because we were too busy focusing on growing up. Many of us tend to forget the lessons we're taught as children because everyone tells us that we need to concentrate on being responsible, hard-working adults. As important as that may be, we tend to leave other, equally important aspects of life behind... like what it means to be kind to others or to ask for help when we truly need it.

We aren't trying to recruit people for a massive pony army, I promise. Personally, I just want people to enjoy something so great as much as I do. It's made me happy and I'd like my friends to be happy as well. We don't hold any resentment for non-Bronies; after all, our motto is to Love and Tolerate. So while judgmental douchebags like Fox news may take pleasure in taking jabs at us, I'd just like to take a second to remind everyone that Bronies are doing absolutely nothing wrong... and trust me when I say that we're here to stay.