Oh, "Smile More?" I Thought You Said, "Please Kick Me In The Balls"

You know what people love to do? Go around and tell you what the hell you should do when you didn't even ask for their goddamn opinion. I'll be walking around, minding my own business, when some old man or middle aged lady will seriously strut right up to me and tell me, "You know, you should smile more." Lady, what in the blue hell do I have to smile about? I am on my way to work/WalMart/the bank/Bronycon HQ so I can have a nice "chat" about whose brilliant idea it was to hold the happiest occasion of the year in the armpit of America (Jersey.) I'm not necessarily UPSET and should remedy that with a big shit-eating grin, this is just what my face looks like when I go about my day. These are my default settings. Who the hell are you to walk up and tell me to smile? Unless your name begins with P and ends with inkie Pie, you can promptly go fuck yourself.

Look, I'm all for self-improvement but if you intend to go around and tell people to do this and that because it'd make them better somehow, you better have some fucking credentials handy. I'm not about to take lifestyle tips from people wandering the streets of glorious San Fernando Valley.

"Wow, you've been going around smiling a lot more lately. Something happen?"
"Yeah. Some guy wearing a garbage bag on his head told me to."

Then there are the ones you know, people you may consider anything from an acquaintance to a friend, who can't seem to keep their mouths shut. These people I'll be far more willing to listen to and take to heart but you can't just go around telling me off without warning like some of you do. It's like all my friends got together and decided on a game of, "Who can catch Dani off guard with an offhand remark?" and I was not informed (though I suppose that would defeat the purpose but still...). There I am, sitting at a cafe with a friend, having a lovely time when there's a small lull in the conversation... and then suddenly, "You know what annoys me about you, Dani?" BAM. Right out of left field. Seriously? It's not like anything happened at that moment that sparked that need to tell me I suck; I was literally just. Sitting. There. (And not once has it been the way I sit or sip my coffee that was the issue.) No, no, no. They'll bring up some shit I did a while back or lifestyle choices I happen to make that they don't particularly agree with. It's just been something they've apparently wanted to let me know pissed them off for a good while now and they wanted to wait until the most awkward fucking time to let me know.

I get it, I'm not the most perfect human being to ever grace this planet. This isn't news to me. But guess what? I'm pretty ok with myself, flaws and all. I'm even ok with hating my flaws! Keeps my ego in check, you know?
I know I may sound like a hypocrite since I make it a point to let my friends know how much I hate the clothes they wear because it makes them look like an unemployed teenager or how they should probably brush their hair once in a while if they ever intend to get laid... but I don't do it out of fucking nowhere. I offer advice (or, you know, demands, depending on who you are to me) to those who bitch and moan about the sad state of their lives or love lives and can't seem to fix it. That's where I come in. You want to nail that interview? You may want to consider a shower and a haircut. Annoyed that no girl will sleep with you? Maybe start dressing better and working on your approach. (Sitting 2 seats away at a bar and occasionally glancing at her is not what I'd consider an "approach." In fact, that could probably be defined as the opposite of an approach.) If you're ok with your situation, I will probably keep my mouth shut and let you look like a hobo with cake frosting in your beard all you damn well please. Doesn't bother me any.

I guess it's human nature to just sort of assume we're an authority on everything ever. Trust me, if I want your input, I will make it a point to let you know. But if I tell you, "Oh, this is what I do to stay in shape," immediately blurting out, "I KNOW A GOOD WAY TO STAY IN SHAPE, YOU JUST HAVE TO--" is a surefire way to make me never want to talk to you again. No joke, I was recently having a conversation about staying in shape with someone and he was trying to tell ME that I should do this, that or the other thing. Dude was at least 75 lbs overweight and no, it wasn't muscle mass. I didn't even bother telling him that drinking mountain dew every other day was probably a bad idea because apparently he was an expert on fitness so hey, more power to him. 

You should also remember that there's a distinct difference between "he needs advice" and "I don't like that he does that." The latter is really what gets me. Look, I get we're friends and all... but we all have character traits that may set the other person's teeth on edge every now and again. Do I wait around for a random moment to let you know just how annoying I find your stutter? No? Then I don't really want to hear your opinions about my taste in men. Sounds fair, right? Now if I ASK... that's another story entirely. But I don't. Because I don't care. This is a friendship, not a Starbucks where you can say, "Yeah, the drink is good but it's a bit too sweet" and send it back until it's perfect.

"Yeah, you're a good friend and all but I don't really like that you curse so much/eat too fast/blink so often." That so? Let me put in a complaint with my birthgiver and she can try again.

I think we all just really need to get over ourselves (yes, myself included, hurr hurr) because GUESS WHAT... no one knows everything about everything. If I was qualified to lecture people about fitness, I probably wouldn't have these giant thighs. I've certainly given my share of bad advice over the years. I've also asked for advice when I pretty much knew what I wanted and regretted not doing what I initially intended to.

Honestly, this whole post was meant to be a rant about how much I hate strangers telling me to smile (because this really does happen on a monthly basis and it's not like I can just go out and order a new fucking face) and it just sort of escalated into, "You know what? That's shit that these other people do... that's not cool either."

So basically, what I'm trying to say is fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

I'm Sorry, I Didn't Realize I'd Wandered Into NoMeansYesland

For years now, I've been asked to explain to my male friends the complexity of the typical female mind. Scores of books have been written on the topic and people still can't seem to figure us out. What's with the subtle hints? What do all our little nuances mean? Why can't we just be straight-forward with what we want?

Waa. Waa. Fucking waa.

You know what I find hard to grasp? How guys can have the brass balls to talk to me about women never being straight forward when all I ever get are guys beating around every bush they can find and never saying what's really on their mind. Don't know what I'm talking about? Alright, I'll elaborate.

In the same way that women have little codes like, "I'm fine" (Read: I'm very upset right now but I don't really want to argue) and, "No, I don't mind" (Read: I very much mind but I don't want to act like a bitch and say I do), men offer even less insight into their minds when the gears start turning. I can't even count the amount of times I've had to coax frustrations and "talks" out of a guy because he just sat there in monk-like silence, looking annoyed but not saying anything. I KNOW you're upset; I can see it all over your goddamn face. Just fucking SAY so; don't make it feel like pulling teeth. At least when women are upset, we give you vocal cues in addition to our pissed off expressions so you can piece together how we probably feel.

Now I'm not going to sit here and condone anyone using hints and codes to get their thoughts across. I strongly advocate open communication as that is the fastest and most efficient way to make sure shit gets dealt with. The time that you waste on "looking" annoyed could be time spent solving the issue and fixing whatever it was that annoyed you. It is for this very reason that I also make it a point to never go to bed angry. I honestly don't give a crap about negative energy in the bedroom or any of that bullshit... it's mostly because I don't want to wait until morning to resolve whatever happens to be upsetting me. If it can be dealt with now, deal with it now.

Sometimes I honestly do feel like I'm in high school again. My friends are all in their 20's and some even in their 30's and they still pull that, "I'm not going to tell him/her that I like him/her but I'm going to make it VERY OBVIOUS and hope they get it" nonsense. Really? Are you fucking serious? It really is just such a breath of fresh air when someone straight up asks me to coffee or dinner and makes their intentions CLEAR. I'm starting to think that shit doesn't even happen anymore. Instead, they just ask me to "hang out"... and when I do come over to do just that, they wonder why nothing ever progresses and bitch endlessly about it on internet forums.
"I asked her to come by and play video games and eat pizza once and she's still not my girlfriend. THE FRIENDZONE SUCKS YOU GAIZ."
Everyone is so keen to keep themselves out of the line of fire but make their feelings so blatantly obvious, the person receiving said feelings would have to be a fucking div not to get it. This especially annoys me because that puts the pressure on the person on the receiving end, thus making them responsible for moving anything forward. Seems a bit backasswards to me.


Of course, women aren't exactly an innocent party when it comes to sending mixed messages and giving demands in some uncrackable code; hell, we've practically made it into an art. Women can have full conversations with one another utilizing no more than eye movements and tilts of the head. Yes, it's fun to confuse the poor males around us while we "talk" about them in our mystic chick language, but don't bring that shit into serious conversation and expect them to pick up on it. In his mind, "Oh, are you wearing those jeans to dinner?" does not equate to, "Put on some proper pants so I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you in public."

No one in this world seems capable of speaking their mind. I don't know if it's because they can't properly form a goddamn sentence and use their noise hole to tell others what they want or because they're all just cowards but it infuriates me all the same. So you don't want to put yourself out there and risk getting rejected... well, you sure as shit won't be the one to get picked either, I'll tell you that, ya pussy.

Then there are those that know exactly what they want to say but twist their words around so all I hear is some cryptic moonspeak that now I have to decipher because... well I don't actually fucking know why. Now suddenly, "I'd love to get dinner with you sometime" becomes, "Oh man. My friend and I were supposed to go to this awesome Thai place down on Ventura but his car had a flat so now he can't go. So bummed." Now you're just telling me a story. What the hell do you want me to say? "Oh, I'LL go with you!" Well that just sounds presumptuous now, doesn't it? How am I supposed to know that was your convoluted way of asking me to dinner and not just you making conversation? I don't fucking know; I'm not psychic. So I just say, "cool story bro" and go on with my day. Unbeknownst to me, I am now a friendzoning bitch because I'm not a cryptographer.

You know what? I think I'm just going to stop giving a shit. If you don't have the balls to tell me what you want, I'm just not going to bother figuring it out. That isn't to say I CAN'T... I am, as a matter of fact, fucking brilliant at telling when people have shit they want to say, but I'm just sick of death of enabling this juvenile behavior. This isn't a case of meeting you halfway; your personal feelings, issues and thought processes are not my problem. Both genders are guilty of pulling this crap and in equal amounts so you can stop bitching about how "men never talk about their feelings" and "women need to stop giving hints." You're all retarded and you all need to stop.