I'm Sorry, I Didn't Realize I'd Wandered Into NoMeansYesland

For years now, I've been asked to explain to my male friends the complexity of the typical female mind. Scores of books have been written on the topic and people still can't seem to figure us out. What's with the subtle hints? What do all our little nuances mean? Why can't we just be straight-forward with what we want?

Waa. Waa. Fucking waa.

You know what I find hard to grasp? How guys can have the brass balls to talk to me about women never being straight forward when all I ever get are guys beating around every bush they can find and never saying what's really on their mind. Don't know what I'm talking about? Alright, I'll elaborate.

In the same way that women have little codes like, "I'm fine" (Read: I'm very upset right now but I don't really want to argue) and, "No, I don't mind" (Read: I very much mind but I don't want to act like a bitch and say I do), men offer even less insight into their minds when the gears start turning. I can't even count the amount of times I've had to coax frustrations and "talks" out of a guy because he just sat there in monk-like silence, looking annoyed but not saying anything. I KNOW you're upset; I can see it all over your goddamn face. Just fucking SAY so; don't make it feel like pulling teeth. At least when women are upset, we give you vocal cues in addition to our pissed off expressions so you can piece together how we probably feel.

Now I'm not going to sit here and condone anyone using hints and codes to get their thoughts across. I strongly advocate open communication as that is the fastest and most efficient way to make sure shit gets dealt with. The time that you waste on "looking" annoyed could be time spent solving the issue and fixing whatever it was that annoyed you. It is for this very reason that I also make it a point to never go to bed angry. I honestly don't give a crap about negative energy in the bedroom or any of that bullshit... it's mostly because I don't want to wait until morning to resolve whatever happens to be upsetting me. If it can be dealt with now, deal with it now.

Sometimes I honestly do feel like I'm in high school again. My friends are all in their 20's and some even in their 30's and they still pull that, "I'm not going to tell him/her that I like him/her but I'm going to make it VERY OBVIOUS and hope they get it" nonsense. Really? Are you fucking serious? It really is just such a breath of fresh air when someone straight up asks me to coffee or dinner and makes their intentions CLEAR. I'm starting to think that shit doesn't even happen anymore. Instead, they just ask me to "hang out"... and when I do come over to do just that, they wonder why nothing ever progresses and bitch endlessly about it on internet forums.
"I asked her to come by and play video games and eat pizza once and she's still not my girlfriend. THE FRIENDZONE SUCKS YOU GAIZ."
Everyone is so keen to keep themselves out of the line of fire but make their feelings so blatantly obvious, the person receiving said feelings would have to be a fucking div not to get it. This especially annoys me because that puts the pressure on the person on the receiving end, thus making them responsible for moving anything forward. Seems a bit backasswards to me.


Of course, women aren't exactly an innocent party when it comes to sending mixed messages and giving demands in some uncrackable code; hell, we've practically made it into an art. Women can have full conversations with one another utilizing no more than eye movements and tilts of the head. Yes, it's fun to confuse the poor males around us while we "talk" about them in our mystic chick language, but don't bring that shit into serious conversation and expect them to pick up on it. In his mind, "Oh, are you wearing those jeans to dinner?" does not equate to, "Put on some proper pants so I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you in public."

No one in this world seems capable of speaking their mind. I don't know if it's because they can't properly form a goddamn sentence and use their noise hole to tell others what they want or because they're all just cowards but it infuriates me all the same. So you don't want to put yourself out there and risk getting rejected... well, you sure as shit won't be the one to get picked either, I'll tell you that, ya pussy.

Then there are those that know exactly what they want to say but twist their words around so all I hear is some cryptic moonspeak that now I have to decipher because... well I don't actually fucking know why. Now suddenly, "I'd love to get dinner with you sometime" becomes, "Oh man. My friend and I were supposed to go to this awesome Thai place down on Ventura but his car had a flat so now he can't go. So bummed." Now you're just telling me a story. What the hell do you want me to say? "Oh, I'LL go with you!" Well that just sounds presumptuous now, doesn't it? How am I supposed to know that was your convoluted way of asking me to dinner and not just you making conversation? I don't fucking know; I'm not psychic. So I just say, "cool story bro" and go on with my day. Unbeknownst to me, I am now a friendzoning bitch because I'm not a cryptographer.

You know what? I think I'm just going to stop giving a shit. If you don't have the balls to tell me what you want, I'm just not going to bother figuring it out. That isn't to say I CAN'T... I am, as a matter of fact, fucking brilliant at telling when people have shit they want to say, but I'm just sick of death of enabling this juvenile behavior. This isn't a case of meeting you halfway; your personal feelings, issues and thought processes are not my problem. Both genders are guilty of pulling this crap and in equal amounts so you can stop bitching about how "men never talk about their feelings" and "women need to stop giving hints." You're all retarded and you all need to stop.