Pokemon: An Adequate Substitution for Affection

So I recently had an epiphany. Relationships... are like Pokemon.

Did I lose you? Alright, bear with me a little longer.

So for those of you who don't know, Pokemon Black 2 recently came out for the DS and DAMN was I excited (for both the game and the coloring pages I got when I pre-ordered. Because I'm gangster, that's why.) This series has been around since I was 8 or 9 years old so I have literally spent the majority of my life enamored with Pokemon. Generation 1, 2, 78, whatever, they all kick ass. But, as anyone who has played through the games will tell you, there's definitely a constant theme during your quest, regardless of which version of the game you've played; a recurring pattern along your journey to catch 'em all, if you will.

You start out in a low-level zone every time... with wild Pokemon levels 2-5, all of them ranging anywhere from shitty (I'm looking at you, Dunsparce) to meh, at best. But you catch them! You catch them because you need them to further you along on your journey. I mean, yeah, you can just grind your one starter Pokemon alone the whole way but what happens when you encounter all those damn Grass-types and all you have is your stupid Squirtle? Yeah, it can be done, but it's not the most efficient way to go about it.

So we catch a Rattata... or a Pidgey. Something to give us a little extra boost, even if we're not that enthralled with them. We need them to help us get to where we need to go. (The Pokemon League, for those of you who didn't have a childhood.)

Seeing any correlations here yet? No? Alright, let me spell it out for you.

When we're young, let's say high school, our options of potential mates are fairly... well, shitty to meh. We have our pick of:
Dude with 50 facial piercings and a police record
Smelly kid with rolly backpack who spend all day in the library reading manga
Annoying popular bitch with the personality of a grapefruit
That one kid you're pretty sure is going to shoot up the school one of these days

Those are your options for the most part... that's what you have to work with. Not too great, right? Sort of like Rattatas and Pidgeys. But little do we realize that the dude in the library might have the potential to be Google's next CEO... in the same way a crappy Pidgey eventually evolves into a kickass Pigeot. All it takes is time and patience. Sure, we may actually find our own little Cindaquil (which is awesome in itself, disregarding the fact that it'll be even MORE awesome when it evolves) if we're lucky... but like I mentioned earlier, going through your whole journey with one Pokemon isn't a walk in the park. He or she may be the most perfect thing you've ever encountered but what happens when there's a battle you don't know how to overcome, something you didn't train for or expect? What happens when life blindsides you with one really hard fight and all you have is the experience of one Pokemon, one person, to count on? Sure, some people tough it out and make it... but at great cost. You may end up burnt, poisoned or paralyzed from the encounter because you didn't have anything else under your belt to help you.

Even if they do have awesome potential, and some partners certainly do, it doesn't mean we'll keep them around forever. I'm sure a lot of people think their first love is going to be THE ONE but how often does that really come to pass? If we're wise, we'll understand that we'll need to have a lot of failures and mistakes (moments of "I immediately regret this decision" are common) before we can recognize a good partner.

I didn't catch a Purrloin because I thought a Liepard was a great Pokemon to have on my team... I caught it because I needed it to get further along, to beat some gym leaders and find my way to Route 7 where I could catch something more versatile, something stronger, something that will be a better asset to my own team. Does it mean I don't appreciate my Purrloin? Hell no. That thing was with me when I needed it, when my options were limited and my team needed to stay alive. Purrloin was there to help me move forward, closer to where I needed to be.

Eventually we might even trade in all of our starter Pokemon for our ultimate team... just like we keep trading in partners for someone that better suits us and our needs. But we should never take them for granted. They helped us develop, pushed us further down our path to our end-game goals of finding that one person that would be exactly what we were looking for. Just as my Purrloin was an essential asset to my initial team, everyone I ever dated, loved, or felt any form of strong emotion for was instrumental to getting me to where I am now. For that I am eternally grateful.

I came upon this moment of clarity when I was lying in bed, playing Black 2 and dreading my next family gathering where I would inevitably end up introducing my new boyfriend (I say "new" but the new boyfriend smell has long-since faded) to everyone. I know what they'll think, "Oh, she has a new guy every week." Though I could really give a shit what they have to say about my personal life, I hate having that conversation. Now I know how to go about it. Yes, I've had quite a few boyfriends. Know what that means?

More exp. points. Get on my level.

Just because you don't have the same team when you reach the Indigo Plateau that you did at the starting gates... it doesn't mean they were any less help in getting you there.


(PETA, I eagerly await your hate mail.)

Oh, "Smile More?" I Thought You Said, "Please Kick Me In The Balls"

You know what people love to do? Go around and tell you what the hell you should do when you didn't even ask for their goddamn opinion. I'll be walking around, minding my own business, when some old man or middle aged lady will seriously strut right up to me and tell me, "You know, you should smile more." Lady, what in the blue hell do I have to smile about? I am on my way to work/WalMart/the bank/Bronycon HQ so I can have a nice "chat" about whose brilliant idea it was to hold the happiest occasion of the year in the armpit of America (Jersey.) I'm not necessarily UPSET and should remedy that with a big shit-eating grin, this is just what my face looks like when I go about my day. These are my default settings. Who the hell are you to walk up and tell me to smile? Unless your name begins with P and ends with inkie Pie, you can promptly go fuck yourself.

Look, I'm all for self-improvement but if you intend to go around and tell people to do this and that because it'd make them better somehow, you better have some fucking credentials handy. I'm not about to take lifestyle tips from people wandering the streets of glorious San Fernando Valley.

"Wow, you've been going around smiling a lot more lately. Something happen?"
"Yeah. Some guy wearing a garbage bag on his head told me to."

Then there are the ones you know, people you may consider anything from an acquaintance to a friend, who can't seem to keep their mouths shut. These people I'll be far more willing to listen to and take to heart but you can't just go around telling me off without warning like some of you do. It's like all my friends got together and decided on a game of, "Who can catch Dani off guard with an offhand remark?" and I was not informed (though I suppose that would defeat the purpose but still...). There I am, sitting at a cafe with a friend, having a lovely time when there's a small lull in the conversation... and then suddenly, "You know what annoys me about you, Dani?" BAM. Right out of left field. Seriously? It's not like anything happened at that moment that sparked that need to tell me I suck; I was literally just. Sitting. There. (And not once has it been the way I sit or sip my coffee that was the issue.) No, no, no. They'll bring up some shit I did a while back or lifestyle choices I happen to make that they don't particularly agree with. It's just been something they've apparently wanted to let me know pissed them off for a good while now and they wanted to wait until the most awkward fucking time to let me know.

I get it, I'm not the most perfect human being to ever grace this planet. This isn't news to me. But guess what? I'm pretty ok with myself, flaws and all. I'm even ok with hating my flaws! Keeps my ego in check, you know?
I know I may sound like a hypocrite since I make it a point to let my friends know how much I hate the clothes they wear because it makes them look like an unemployed teenager or how they should probably brush their hair once in a while if they ever intend to get laid... but I don't do it out of fucking nowhere. I offer advice (or, you know, demands, depending on who you are to me) to those who bitch and moan about the sad state of their lives or love lives and can't seem to fix it. That's where I come in. You want to nail that interview? You may want to consider a shower and a haircut. Annoyed that no girl will sleep with you? Maybe start dressing better and working on your approach. (Sitting 2 seats away at a bar and occasionally glancing at her is not what I'd consider an "approach." In fact, that could probably be defined as the opposite of an approach.) If you're ok with your situation, I will probably keep my mouth shut and let you look like a hobo with cake frosting in your beard all you damn well please. Doesn't bother me any.

I guess it's human nature to just sort of assume we're an authority on everything ever. Trust me, if I want your input, I will make it a point to let you know. But if I tell you, "Oh, this is what I do to stay in shape," immediately blurting out, "I KNOW A GOOD WAY TO STAY IN SHAPE, YOU JUST HAVE TO--" is a surefire way to make me never want to talk to you again. No joke, I was recently having a conversation about staying in shape with someone and he was trying to tell ME that I should do this, that or the other thing. Dude was at least 75 lbs overweight and no, it wasn't muscle mass. I didn't even bother telling him that drinking mountain dew every other day was probably a bad idea because apparently he was an expert on fitness so hey, more power to him. 

You should also remember that there's a distinct difference between "he needs advice" and "I don't like that he does that." The latter is really what gets me. Look, I get we're friends and all... but we all have character traits that may set the other person's teeth on edge every now and again. Do I wait around for a random moment to let you know just how annoying I find your stutter? No? Then I don't really want to hear your opinions about my taste in men. Sounds fair, right? Now if I ASK... that's another story entirely. But I don't. Because I don't care. This is a friendship, not a Starbucks where you can say, "Yeah, the drink is good but it's a bit too sweet" and send it back until it's perfect.

"Yeah, you're a good friend and all but I don't really like that you curse so much/eat too fast/blink so often." That so? Let me put in a complaint with my birthgiver and she can try again.

I think we all just really need to get over ourselves (yes, myself included, hurr hurr) because GUESS WHAT... no one knows everything about everything. If I was qualified to lecture people about fitness, I probably wouldn't have these giant thighs. I've certainly given my share of bad advice over the years. I've also asked for advice when I pretty much knew what I wanted and regretted not doing what I initially intended to.

Honestly, this whole post was meant to be a rant about how much I hate strangers telling me to smile (because this really does happen on a monthly basis and it's not like I can just go out and order a new fucking face) and it just sort of escalated into, "You know what? That's shit that these other people do... that's not cool either."

So basically, what I'm trying to say is fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

I'm Sorry, I Didn't Realize I'd Wandered Into NoMeansYesland

For years now, I've been asked to explain to my male friends the complexity of the typical female mind. Scores of books have been written on the topic and people still can't seem to figure us out. What's with the subtle hints? What do all our little nuances mean? Why can't we just be straight-forward with what we want?

Waa. Waa. Fucking waa.

You know what I find hard to grasp? How guys can have the brass balls to talk to me about women never being straight forward when all I ever get are guys beating around every bush they can find and never saying what's really on their mind. Don't know what I'm talking about? Alright, I'll elaborate.

In the same way that women have little codes like, "I'm fine" (Read: I'm very upset right now but I don't really want to argue) and, "No, I don't mind" (Read: I very much mind but I don't want to act like a bitch and say I do), men offer even less insight into their minds when the gears start turning. I can't even count the amount of times I've had to coax frustrations and "talks" out of a guy because he just sat there in monk-like silence, looking annoyed but not saying anything. I KNOW you're upset; I can see it all over your goddamn face. Just fucking SAY so; don't make it feel like pulling teeth. At least when women are upset, we give you vocal cues in addition to our pissed off expressions so you can piece together how we probably feel.

Now I'm not going to sit here and condone anyone using hints and codes to get their thoughts across. I strongly advocate open communication as that is the fastest and most efficient way to make sure shit gets dealt with. The time that you waste on "looking" annoyed could be time spent solving the issue and fixing whatever it was that annoyed you. It is for this very reason that I also make it a point to never go to bed angry. I honestly don't give a crap about negative energy in the bedroom or any of that bullshit... it's mostly because I don't want to wait until morning to resolve whatever happens to be upsetting me. If it can be dealt with now, deal with it now.

Sometimes I honestly do feel like I'm in high school again. My friends are all in their 20's and some even in their 30's and they still pull that, "I'm not going to tell him/her that I like him/her but I'm going to make it VERY OBVIOUS and hope they get it" nonsense. Really? Are you fucking serious? It really is just such a breath of fresh air when someone straight up asks me to coffee or dinner and makes their intentions CLEAR. I'm starting to think that shit doesn't even happen anymore. Instead, they just ask me to "hang out"... and when I do come over to do just that, they wonder why nothing ever progresses and bitch endlessly about it on internet forums.
"I asked her to come by and play video games and eat pizza once and she's still not my girlfriend. THE FRIENDZONE SUCKS YOU GAIZ."
Everyone is so keen to keep themselves out of the line of fire but make their feelings so blatantly obvious, the person receiving said feelings would have to be a fucking div not to get it. This especially annoys me because that puts the pressure on the person on the receiving end, thus making them responsible for moving anything forward. Seems a bit backasswards to me.


Of course, women aren't exactly an innocent party when it comes to sending mixed messages and giving demands in some uncrackable code; hell, we've practically made it into an art. Women can have full conversations with one another utilizing no more than eye movements and tilts of the head. Yes, it's fun to confuse the poor males around us while we "talk" about them in our mystic chick language, but don't bring that shit into serious conversation and expect them to pick up on it. In his mind, "Oh, are you wearing those jeans to dinner?" does not equate to, "Put on some proper pants so I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you in public."

No one in this world seems capable of speaking their mind. I don't know if it's because they can't properly form a goddamn sentence and use their noise hole to tell others what they want or because they're all just cowards but it infuriates me all the same. So you don't want to put yourself out there and risk getting rejected... well, you sure as shit won't be the one to get picked either, I'll tell you that, ya pussy.

Then there are those that know exactly what they want to say but twist their words around so all I hear is some cryptic moonspeak that now I have to decipher because... well I don't actually fucking know why. Now suddenly, "I'd love to get dinner with you sometime" becomes, "Oh man. My friend and I were supposed to go to this awesome Thai place down on Ventura but his car had a flat so now he can't go. So bummed." Now you're just telling me a story. What the hell do you want me to say? "Oh, I'LL go with you!" Well that just sounds presumptuous now, doesn't it? How am I supposed to know that was your convoluted way of asking me to dinner and not just you making conversation? I don't fucking know; I'm not psychic. So I just say, "cool story bro" and go on with my day. Unbeknownst to me, I am now a friendzoning bitch because I'm not a cryptographer.

You know what? I think I'm just going to stop giving a shit. If you don't have the balls to tell me what you want, I'm just not going to bother figuring it out. That isn't to say I CAN'T... I am, as a matter of fact, fucking brilliant at telling when people have shit they want to say, but I'm just sick of death of enabling this juvenile behavior. This isn't a case of meeting you halfway; your personal feelings, issues and thought processes are not my problem. Both genders are guilty of pulling this crap and in equal amounts so you can stop bitching about how "men never talk about their feelings" and "women need to stop giving hints." You're all retarded and you all need to stop.

My, What An Ugly Child You Have!

I've been trying to write this particular article for some time now and I stop every time I begin. Sometimes I stop because I lose interest. Other times it's because I just begin to get annoyed with the subject and have to go do something else before I punch a hole in something. This time I'll do it. Or I'll try very, very hard at least.

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I don't like children. Now if you've known me for a while, you'll be very much aware of this fact and probably hesitant to bring it up because you see how peeved I get just talking about it. I do get peeved... and for good reason, I think. Children annoy the effervescent shit out of me and I will tell you why.

On their own, small kids are not pleasant things. They are selfish, shrieking little parasites who will howl non-stop until they get their way. I am well aware that they "don't know any better" and, while I understand the concept, am no less annoyed because of that. If you use that argument, you are admitting that they are incomplete. They have not learned proper social etiquette, manners or general rules of behavior necessary to co-exist with others. If this was an adult who portrayed such behaviors, people would lock him or her up in a government facility. Kids, on the other hand, get treated like tiny gods for acting this way.

Then there's the whole "But they're so cute!" nonsense. No, they're not. Stop bullshitting. Maybe when they're 6 or so they start looking like a proper human being but before that, they are awkwardly shaped at best and generally hideous mutant-looking things at worst. I honestly don't give a crap whose eyes they have; they're too big for their bodies and that's all I can think about when I look at one. Hell, when I was born, apparently I was so ugly I made my mom cry. Turns out I was just positioned weird in the womb so my nose was all crooked for a bit but after that fixed itself, I was still wonky-looking. Giant ears, wobbly neck, freckles everywhere... I was not an attractive kid. At least my mom was honest about it and that's more than I can say for the other gushing parents out there who think drool and snot is adorable.

Let's not forget my FAVORITE (read: most hated) argument... potential. That's the word they love to throw at me. People just love kids because of all of their potential. What people don't seem to realize is that these little brats have the potential to be ANYTHING. They could become the President of the United States someday... and they could become a serial rapist. The odds are pretty much 50/50 at this point. But for some reason, everyone acts like they're so goddamn sure the kids are DEFINITELY going to do something good with their lives so they praise, spoil and downright worship them. Honestly? Most kids turn out to be shitheads just like the rest of us. That's just a statistical fact.

Those same people then turn around and treat other adults like shit. Children have done absolutely nothing for society and they get more love and respect than any hard-working, tax-paying adult you see on the street. People will cry crocodile tears at the first mention of a child dying (despite the fact that a lot of them aren't even self-aware yet and don't realize what's going on) but will not hesitate to step over your corpse for a better parking spot. They'll treat most strangers with no regard for their well-being when the odds of them being the next Nobel prize recipient are also 50/50. That kid you shower with gifts and affection for having done absolutely nothing will grow up to be a dick for all you know... and the guy you just cut off in traffic could be the guy that cures cancer. Hypocrites, the lot of them.

"Oh, you won't think that way when you have your own--" Stop right there. I will have you know that I do not intend to sire any hellspawn of my own, thank you very much. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why people are so keen on having 20 kids when they can barely afford 1. And then they get government checks for it, too! Why are we rewarding these mindless BREEDERS?! People who have children just for the sake of having children?! It baffles me. Their genes are never particularly amazing (I'd be willing to bet diabetes and "thyroid problems" run in a lot of those families, go figure) and the kids just grow up sharing old, beaten toys because the parents were too short-sighted to realize, "Well... I could have 5 kids and only be able to provide the bare minimum for them... or I could have 2 and give them better opportunities. Like college." I'm pretty sure most of them do it just for the novelty of it. Oh, look, you procreated. How special and original. No one in the history of the planet has ever managed THAT before. You must be so proud.

No, no. I intend to adopt. Instead of passing along my bad back, bum knees, slow metabolism and bad eyesight I think I'll just give a home to a kid who already exists and is in need of a better life. I also figure an adopted kid would be more grateful for getting him or her out of a third-world country and into a good home whereas some kid I popped out would take everything I gave for granted. Plus I don't find the idea of going through pregnancy appealing in the least. I mean, you never really know what you're going to get when you have your own... like I said, 50/50 he's going to turn out rotten. Then you have to go through the sleepless nights that inevitably come with having an infant, the drooling, the crying, the puking, the diaper changing... OR you could take in an 8 year old who already has something of a personality you can gauge and use a toilet on his own.

Above all, I am sick to death of being told I'm a freak for thinking this way. "Wired wrong." That's the term they love to use. Women are supposed to be programmed to love and cherish these small parasites, not cringe at them. Why would I love something that has done nothing for me? Why should I give a shit about this shrieking thing that looks like something out of a horror film? I don't know how to talk to one, nor would I want to. They have nothing of importance to say. "I like cows." Well fucking good for you. Come back to me when you can hold a conversation or do something worthwhile. Wired wrong...

Fuck you. You're wired wrong, you self-righteous cunts.

Love and Tolerate. Yes, Even the Haters.

Let's talk about My Little Pony. (Why? Because fuck you, that's why.)
I've recently noticed a surge of interest in Bronies. For those of you (that I guess live under a rock) who aren't aware, Bronies are fans of the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The main demographic of fans are, believe it or not, heterosexual males between the ages of 16 and 30. Don't get me wrong, this show WAS intended for small children, primarily little girls, but things don't always go as intended in life, do they? It is because of this unconventional fanbase that news organizations have taken it upon themselves to have a nice, long, judgmental laugh at our expense.

While Bronies themselves have been around for a little while now, it seems as though only recently has the media started to give a shit. Unfortunately, most articles I read that pertain to the subculture are thinly veiled in a context of biases, false assumptions and harsh judgment. I'd like to take a moment here to clear the air.

I myself am a Brony (I don't like the term Pegasister, I prefer more universal and inclusive titles to those that separate by gender). Like most, I was skeptical at first and thought of the whole "movement" as nothing more than just a passing fad. I initially stumbled across this whole... thing... when I was lurking 4chan (I'm very predictable) and I noticed people posting thread after thread filled with nothing but colorful, girly-looking ponies. I thought, "Oh, here's another troll fad. At least this is better than when people just went around posting monorails." However, unlike monorails, these pony threads simply wouldn't. go. away. So I decided to see what all the fuss was about and watch a few episodes.

And a few more.

Ok, and maybe one or two more, but that's IT.

Before I knew it, I'd watched all 26 episodes and sat there thinking to myself, "... So when's the next season start?" Two years later, I now have myself an ever-growing collection of pony figurines and I couldn't give any less of a buck what anyone has to say about it.

Like any Brony will tell you, the show is surprisingly well-written and animated. The colors flow beautifully, the dialogue isn't cheesy and predictable, and the characters are all relatable. There's action (well, as much as you can expect from a kids' show), drama and of course... LESSONS. I mean, what kind of animated show would it be if you didn't learn anything at the end? Hell, even Spongebob can teach you something every now and again.

So what exactly makes this show so unique? Why are grown men and women flocking to this like moths to an adorable flame? I'll tell you why: Because it's good. It really is that simple. There's no mind-control, no deep, dark secret, nothing. My Little Pony just happens to be one of the most entertaining, funny, and engaging shows developed in a long, long time. It's got everything you could ever want in a show and more. Yet instead of actually giving it an honest try, people just laugh at us for watching something that was intended for little girls. Yeah, and?

The best part about being a Brony is not giving a shit about what anyone else thinks about our show. Do you know why? Because the only people who give us crap are the ones who haven't actually given it a chance. I know we can come off as cult-like sometimes with how crazy the fanbase has become (I mean, we have our own convention already) but we won't MAKE you do anything you don't want to. Yes, we'll try to get you to watch an episode or two, but whether or not you will (and if you do, whether or not you LIKE it) is entirely up to you. Out of 6 people I've recommended the show to, 4 became fans. The other 2? Well, you win some, you lose some. If it's not their thing then there's really not much more we can do.

What bothers me is how everyone is so quick to write us off as a bunch of nutters without really taking a moment to see what's actually going on. How many other things exist in this world that can make this many people happy? How many trends, followings or fandoms transcend age, race, gender, religion and sexuality simultaneously? We do what we do because we want to and it makes us happy, regardless of how old we are or what we're sporting between our legs.

Yes, My Little Pony was created with children in mind... but that doesn't mean they're the only ones that can benefit from it. We may be adults, we may think we don't need lessons about life, love and friendship like children do... but we're wrong. My Little Pony reminds us of the important shit we forgot along the way because we were too busy focusing on growing up. Many of us tend to forget the lessons we're taught as children because everyone tells us that we need to concentrate on being responsible, hard-working adults. As important as that may be, we tend to leave other, equally important aspects of life behind... like what it means to be kind to others or to ask for help when we truly need it.

We aren't trying to recruit people for a massive pony army, I promise. Personally, I just want people to enjoy something so great as much as I do. It's made me happy and I'd like my friends to be happy as well. We don't hold any resentment for non-Bronies; after all, our motto is to Love and Tolerate. So while judgmental douchebags like Fox news may take pleasure in taking jabs at us, I'd just like to take a second to remind everyone that Bronies are doing absolutely nothing wrong... and trust me when I say that we're here to stay. 

I'll only accept phone numbers from a 7 or higher

During all my years lurking 4chan (or "The Insidious Evil Pornographic Website of Sin" as Fox News likes to call it) I've noticed a lot of things about people. The nature of these observations are weighed upon heavily by which specific boards I tend to frequent and, like any sane woman, I find myself drawn to the misogynistic hellhole known as /r9k/. Now this particular board is ripe with woman-hating, superiority-complex riddled internet dwellers who love, more than anything in this world, to reassure any who will listen that women are inferior to men in every possible way. It's actually pretty hilarious.

However, there is one particular gripe I have with something I frequently come across on this particular board that I'd very much like to address. It is the notion that if an attractive man pursues a woman, she will be flattered. Contrariwise, if an unattractive man pursues a woman, he is a creep. While this is not entirely untrue, as I have seen this played out many a time, I'd like to state that this sad trend is not limited to women being shallow whores. Men do it, too. (Just not as often.)

Time and time again, I've known guys who have held the attention of certain ladies they found... less than desirable. Most of the time, the girls were actually alright people if you got past their weight/face/hair/acne/third tit. But it always seems as though the guys treated them like goddamn lepers all the same, bitching and groaning at the fact that the girl was interested in them as though they weren't the same guys who were complaining about being single and forever alone not a fucking week prior.

I've also noticed the same occurrence when someone of the same sex makes an unwanted advance. This trend I find particularly offensive and just plain unfair. Fine, an ugly chick hit on you. You're not interested and you just leave it at that, right? You might make a snarky comment later on in that night but you're not particularly traumatized or anything. Yet, for some baffling reason, when a gay or bisexual man hits on a straight man, the straight guy will often become incredibly guarded, defensive and sometimes even downright violent. While you might consider such reactions to be the result of blatant homophobia, it happens to more liberally-minded men just the same.

Some might say, "Oh, well he's just not secure with his sexuality. That's why he was so defensive." Not necessarily. I happen to think that there's some sort of stigma that gay men and women have to face when dealing with straight people and that is the notion that if a gay hits on you, you gon' get raped.

While this response isn't exactly unheard of when someone of the opposite sex makes advances, it's not quite as common as it seems to be for gays. When a particularly undesirable person tries to make a pass at me, I don't immediately assume they're going to stick their hand down my pants. I assume that I will make my disinterest apparent and they will leave me alone. Worst case scenario, they will badger me for my number until I make up an excuse to go somewhere else. This seems to be a fairly standard mentality amongst most people. But somehow that logic goes right out the window when homosexuality is involved, as though when someone becomes gay they are immediately handed a chloroform rag and an unmarked van as a rite of passage.

While this may appear to be a politically centered post, thinly veiled behind a mask of social observation, I assure you that is not the case. My political affiliations are none of anyone's business, nor are yours mine. I simply wanted to address an unfair double standard I've come to notice as of late. I've heard stories of gay people getting punched just for flirting with someone they made the grave mistake of not knowing was straight. Would you punch a fat chick who hit on you because she mistook you for a chubby chaser?

Yes, some women act this way when an ugly guy asks for their number. For that I apologize on behalf of my gender. The difference between someone being labeled as "charming" and "creepy" should not depend solely on how high he rates on the 1-10 scale. Likewise, an attractive woman should not be labeled as "strong and assertive" for calling you 10 times a day while an unattractive one is labeled "stalker" for adding you on Facebook. This is just common sense.

Just because someone you're not into finds you attractive, it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to force themselves on you. Most people aren't fond of having harassment charges filed against them, regardless of their sexuality. Don't just go around getting offended or creeped out just because someone with a receding hairline hit on you. You should be flattered. (Especially if a gay guy hits on you; they tend to have high standards.)

Ha.

I don't have anything to blog about today but I wanted the internet to know that Francis is not a good sport and does not take losing at Blaz Blue very well.

Compliments! Compliments for Everyone!

In the past, I have made no secret of the fact that I hold a great amount of disdain for false modesty. In my opinion, it's a sneaky, underhanded way to fish for (usually undeserved) compliments. No one owes you praise; if you deserved it, it would be given freely. Instead, you poke and prod at those around you with bullshit like, "I'm so fat" and "I hate my hair, I wish I had her/your/someone else's hair." I don't see how attempting to pry compliments out of people makes anyone feel better since you have to practically beg for them, meaning they weren't something anyone was about to give you if you'd kept your needy mouth shut.
But I'm not about to start beating a dead horse by making yet another post about that particular breed of imbecile. This isn't about them; it's about me. This rant is about how everyone around me seems to have some physical need to reassure me of my good qualities. An ex boyfriend of mine once said to me, "I have to fish for you to fish for compliments."

There's a difference between blatantly begging for validation and being hilariously self-deprecating. I don't go out of my way to squeeze in a line about how fat I am (hehe... squeeze, fat, get it?) but I won't pretend I'm a goddamn supermodel when the topic comes up. When people ask me how I see myself, my typical answer is "I'm alright." And that's that. I'm alright. Yeah, I've got shit that needs fixing but I'm not going to bore everyone around me to tears whining about it.
I'm honestly getting a little sick and tired of everyone flattering me needlessly because they think my self-esteem isn't high enough. My self-esteem is exactly where it needs to be, thank you very much. The only thing I hate more than false modesty is narcissism. Everyone around me (you know who you are) is apparently desperate to create some sort of egomaniacal monster with their unwarranted praise and reassurance. You asked me what I thought of myself and I told you. No one asked for your opinion, go away.
Better yet, let's just stop bringing my appearance into conversation altogether. I don't want to talk about something so inconsequential unless it's directly related to the subject at hand. Every time it comes up and I deny the fact that I may be attractive, no one seems to have the capacity to let it go. Suddenly it's everyone's god-given duty to convince me of how pretty and smart and funny and oh-so-speshul I am. On the other hand, if I finally cave and just say, "Fuck it. Yes. Ok? Yes, I am pretty," then it's off-putting and I look like a goddamn narcissist. I just can't win.
I don't think I've met anyone else with this problem but I wish I would. I would very much like to meet another person who is sick and tired of undue compliments so we can sit around and safely make fun of ourselves all day long. The only person I'd gladly accept random compliments from would be a significant other (and that's only because it was in the contract.)
I don't know what people get out of bombarding me with their needless adulation. It doesn't make me feel better; it makes me uncomfortable. I start getting this sense of overwhelming guilt because I don't go out of my way to tell people how good their hair looks today because I assume (since most people own a mirror) they're already aware.
I realize I might sound ungrateful or arrogant by complaining about this but it really does get annoying after a while. It's as though my being self-deprecating makes people think I'm fishing for compliments when, in reality, I'm just trying to make a joke. Everyone likes poking fun at others and I gladly offer myself up as a punchline. I'm well-acquainted with myself, so my looks and appearance aren't anything especially foreign to me. That being said, I'm pretty sure I don't really need a bunch of third parties putting in their two cents. What really gets me is how something so pointless and superficial is even an issue. It's not worth discussing, it really isn't.
Leave my butt, my weight and my hair out of this and let's talk about string theory or something, PLEASE.

I just met you, and this is crazy... but here's my Facebook. So stalk me maybe?

So I deleted my Facebook a little while back.
Gone. Kaput. Relationship Status: Da svedanya.

Since that happened, I have been made that much more aware of the fact that no one is ever going to read my blog again because that's the only way anyone gave a damn about it. If it's not showing up in their newsfeed, it doesn't exist. So here I am, at 2:08 in the morning, talking to myself. Good times.
I do not have a twitter nor a tumblr either. Life devoid of social media has been trying, to say the least. My primary means of communication has been texting and emaling, yet I (in my infinite wisdom) did not think to acquire the phone numbers of many of my former Facebook friends and am, therefore, slightly inconvenienced when I actually need to talk to them. In all honesty, it's been frustrating... and that annoys me. Now I'm not annoyed because I don't have a virtual farm to tend to all goddamn day but moreso because everyone else is so dependent on it and that makes it hard to reach them through any other means.

Imagine meeting someone in this day and age and exchanging anything OTHER than a Facebook url. They want something that's even MORE non-committal than a phone number. I mean, that's what texting is for, right? Not anymore. Now, you can expect to be thoroughly stalked before they even decide to ask you out for coffee. What's most infuriating about this is that it's become completely normal to rely on social media for fucking EVERYTHING. That's part of the reason I deleted it, truth be told.

In all honesty, Facebook started creeping me out. I would log in from my phone and it would sync my contacts with their profile pictures. Before I knew it, every news article I so much as skimmed was on my newsfeeds. That's some 1984 shit right there. I figured it was only a matter of time before it announced everything I'd bought online, every Skype conversation I had and everything I had for breakfast. Not cool, yo. (If it started alerting my newsfeed to every query I put into google, I would have no friends. That is a fact.)

I rarely get that impulse to check in on my nonexistent Facebook. I did for a couple days, just out of habit or muscle memory, but I got over it fairly quickly. It's a bit akin to my relationship with my phone; I used to think I needed it, all the time, no matter what. Then I started forgetting it at home once... twice... a lot. Then I went to Europe and couldn't take it at all. Now I could really give a crap about it most days. I don't bring it to the movies and I sure as hell don't need it when I'm out shopping. Facebook took significantly less weening but it was still something I had to get used to.

What I'm NOT used to, however, is the fact that I can't seem to get shit done. Everyone has yielded to the will of the Zuckerberg and forgone most other means of communication in favor of the great and all-powerful, all-knowing (and I do mean that part quite literally) Facebook. I can't seem to make simple dinner plans without someone requesting I "facebook them" the details. How about I TELL you the details? With my face? There's this brilliant new thing called talking, you should all check it out.

It's certainly a good way to help remember who your actual friends are. I still have one friend who writes to me. On PAPER. And sends it in the MAIL! (I know, right?) Seeing that someone has taken the effort to call, hell, even text me means that they pulled themselves away from their precious internets long enough to maintain some form of contact with me. (The fact that she writes 15-page letters and buys stamps for my sake makes me happy as a cl-- No, you know what? HAPPIER than a clam. And clams are pretty goddamn happy, ok?) Those are some real friends right there.

It was a bit disheartening when I told people I deleted the damn thing, only to be told, "Oh, so it was you? I was wondering why my number went down..." Ok, really? I'm not expecting to be the thing that occupies your thoughts day and night, but you really couldn't tell that I was gone? Fantastic. Way to make a girl feel special.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this particular blog entry was (though I can say the same about all the previous ones) but, looking back, it might just serve as a fair warning to anyone else who is getting fed up with the Facebook overlord watching their every keystroke. It certainly frees up your time significantly and, according to some study I'm too lazy to cite, it makes you less depressed. Just make sure to get some emails or something before you make that final click or you'll never hear from anyone ever again. Oh, and don't expect to get a date anytime soon either. Apparently, you're not datable unless you have a Facebook the person can comb through and you can be damned sure no one has the balls to call anyone and ask for a date anymore.

It's All Fun and Games Until They Realize You're NOT a 12 Year Old Boy

A few hours ago, I was having myself a lovely chat with someone I had met on 4chan. The topic of video games inevitably came up and I was slightly surprised to learn that someone from said website did not regularly partake in the hobby. He was, however, curious as to whether or not I got harassed on a regular basis by men for being a "girl gamer." 
This is obviously not the first time an inquiry of this nature has been made to me. That being said, I have begun to notice that the topic tends to incite feelings reminiscent of some traumatic event every time I'm forced to answer it. While men may often scoff and roll their eyes at the notion that women have a hard time playing games, I can assure you that it's not always a walk in the park. I should probably make it perfectly clear that I speak for myself and other gamers with the misfortune of harboring female genitalia, not "gamer girls." I honestly cannot stress this enough; I am not, nor do I wish to be acknowledged as, a "gamer girl." I am a gamer.
Simply put, it's tedious and oftentimes frustrating being female when video games are in question. It's common practice for us to hide our genders, being content with being referred to as "he" and "him" over voice chat. We claim our mics don't work well and, when probed about our personal lives, remain as vague and gender-neutral as possible. Now I know plenty of you are shaking your heads right now and thinking, "Bullshit. Every girl I know has always been treated well in the gaming community. They don't have to hide." I should clarify...
There are vast differences between female gamers and "gamer girls." The most prominent, I've noticed, is choice of character or design. Whether we're talking fighters, RPGs, or even racing games, you will notice patterns if you look closely. Do they opt for decals in lieu of engine upgrades? Have you never seen them fight with anyone other than Chun-li, even when they clearly can't play her that well? Do they play supporting classes because their boyfriend needs a healer? Take heed; if their gaming style can be referred to only as an aesthetic choice or what was recommended to be the easiest to play, I'd be hesitant to award them the title of "Gamer." Picking up a controller and playing a round of Halo with your boyfriend whenever his friends aren't around no more makes you a gamer than changing your oil every 3,000 miles makes you a mechanic.
Just so we're clear, I'm not hating on casual gamers here. Wii sports is fun and anyone who doesn't giggle like a schoolgirl when a new Pokemon game is announced has absolutely no soul. Those who follow the community heavily, however, take the title "Gamer" as a serious commitment to Mountain Dew and all things geeky. I enjoy a good game of basketball now and then but in no way consider myself an athlete. The thing I have a problem with is the fact that a female can play one Final Fantasy game and promptly fancy herself a "Gamer" because it means she can now hone in on a niche demographic and revel in the glory of being a rarity (Read: Speshul snowflake).
One thing they did get right, however, was garnering enough popularity and support from desperate males to allow them the privilege to practically get away with murder because "lol i'm a girl." They giggle in vent, flirt during raids, and make those adorable "tee hee, I don't know what I'm doing" sounds while trying to figure which buttonmash combo equates to blocking. Problem is, men have started to expect that from us. All of us. Even the ones who know how to play are almost required to behave like vapid retards if we expect to see any glorious lewt. Do you know what happens when we don't fill that role? THAT'S when we get harassed.
When women are content to play supporting classes and giggle in vent, everyone seems at ease. However, when it turns out that the fury warrior raping the dps charts is actually female, guys are suddenly much less accommodating to having women encroach on their hobby. The mage barely pulling her own weight on the damage charts is fine to have around (provided she makes up for it by flirting shamelessly with the raid leader), but having a main tank turn out to be a woman? Well, in the wise words of Philip J. Fry, "That dog won't hunt, monsignor." Care to know the trick to being the highest dps'ing death knight in your guild and never getting invited to raids? Don't flirt with anyone. You'll brand yourself the "stuck up bitch lesbian" and you'll be passed up for the giggle factory of a priest who stands in fire.
The egos of men are fragile things and they will go to any lengths to preserve them. While gender equality may be something everyone likes to claim they support in public, there are apparently some lines we still can't safely cross. Do I bat my eyelashes so he'll graciously let me play the next turn or do I hold my ground and risk being ostracized because he doesn't want to risk losing a game of Guilty Gear to a girl? At the end of the day, the most prevalent game we're playing is one of politics and, like it or not, we're still second class citizens. Personally, men can be buttmad all they damn well please; I'm still going to end up teabagging their corpse, regardless of what I do or do not actually possess between my legs.

Without Social Consequences, We'd All Be Serial Killers. I'm Sure Of It.

Many people have come to me over the years and asked, "Are human beings inherently cruel?" Of course, by "many people," I probably mean around 3 but that's hardly relevant. You know what IS relevant? That question. Typically, I'd answer with, "No, I don't think so," but I've begun to reevaluate that line of thinking over the course of the past few years. I've come to find that the basis for my usual answer might have possibly stemmed from the fact that I count myself amongst the "people" in question and was not entirely fond of thinking of myself as a cruel person. Upon further inspection, I've noticed that I had significantly less evidence of inherent human kindness than cruelty, which is abundant to say the least.
After all, why is it that any time someone does a random act of kindness (Taylor Swift taking that boy with cancer on a date, that kid who saved his grandpa after a heart attack, some other fluff story no one probably read) it's always noted, always written about? Yet it's only the most horrendous acts of violence and hate that get any mention. Hell, bullying is so commonplace, people have made COMMERCIALS about it. It's not news, it just IS. When you get right down to the core of it, that is what I now believe. Cruelty and unkindness simply is.
Now I've worked in retail and customer service since I was sixteen so I've dealt with a fair number of people. Most of these people, you might imagine, had absolutely no reason to be nice to me. So they weren't. I have been insulted, harassed and even physically injured because people did not give a single fuck about me and likely thought that I could just go right to hell for all they cared.
As we're all aware, everyone likes to think themselves as the exception to most rules. (If you've ever heard anyone tell you, "I'm not like most girls," I will bet my first born that they are EXACTLY like most girls). I've had friends conduct themselves hmm... let's say "crudely" because of some strange mentality that can be summed up by saying "If that person isn't me and has no relationship to me, they don't matter." Am I the exception to the rule? Hardly. I've behaved just as crass as the next customer in line at the bank, justifying it by telling myself that I'd never see these other people again. (And if you claim you've never done something dickish after telling yourself that exact phrase, you're a goddamn liar.)
For further proof, let's take a glimpse into the wacky world of the internet. Yes, my friends, I'm talking about trolls. For those older folks in my reading audience (Hi, dad) trolls can be defined as people posting uncouth things on the internet to incite feelings of anger, frustration and even sadness in others. Why do people troll others? To put it simply: I have no idea. I may have moments where everyone else around me (read: in traffic) is not worthy to breathe my air, but that usually comes from having a bad day. I may curse and cut people off but only because it reduces my level of stress and helps me alleviate frustration I've built throughout my day. Trolls, on the other hand, are simply cruel, merciless, faceless beings with no souls to speak of. They gain nothing measurable by inciting others with their remarks as they are typically anonymous and likely not getting paid to do it. What's scary is that there are probably more trolls on the internet than actual sane individuals with useful things to say. Why is this a scary notion? When people are granted a shield to hide their face and reputation, they are more likely to become complete assholes than do or say anything constructive.
Have you ever asked yourself, "If I could be whomever I wanted, say whatever I wanted, with no repercussions or consequences... what kind of person would I be?" Think hard; you may already have become this person when you post on anonymous message boards. Some might say that the gain in trolling others online is a feeling of control over a complete stranger's emotions. Though a valid answer, it does further prove my point as that happens to be a rather anti-social method of thinking.
I personally do not spend my time trolling others as I see nothing to be gained from it. That fact alone is validating to my self-esteem, as it makes me think that I am not inherently unkind... only circumstantially. I can live with that. It is, however, a little disheartening to come to terms with the state of the world we live in... a world where, if you can get away with it, make as many people unhappy as humanly possible. 

Why, Yes, You Do Look Fat Today

I’d like you to ask yourselves (I was going to start this off with “tell me” but then I remembered that I practically have to beg like a starving puppy to get any input or feedback on this stupid blog so we’ll go with the option that allows you to continue not giving a toss) if you’ve ever known anyone with one particularly… overwhelming personality trait that you did not take to so fondly. Of course, that would require a hint of self-reflection on the part of you, the reader; so try not to hurt yourselves. What characteristics do you admire in others and, contrariwise, which traits do you find repugnant, at best? On that note, I also wonder if anyone else behaves abnormally cold toward these people when said traits are made apparent.

I’ve always found myself especially drawn to those with an air of humility. Take note: There is a vast difference between true humility and false modesty. In my mind, humility is the recognition that, although you may be talented, attractive or whatever else people might regard you highly for, there are those who are better than you. This knowledge helps people retain a sense of being grounded and practical. Perhaps an example is in order:

A sidewalk artist draws an admittedly inspired piece on the ground in a public setting. He looks at his work proudly but says nothing. He draws a crowd and humbly accepts the praise offered to him by passersby. Were he to flaunt his piece, drawing more attention and compliments for the sake of his own ego, it is not unlikely that a better artist would come along, draw something better not too far away and make the first man look like an arrogant fool. If you’ve ever met a true artist, you’ll know that they rarely think their work is anything special for exactly this reason. On the other extreme, if you’ve ever met a seasoned video gamer… you’d likely be made aware of the undeserved sense of accomplishment and considerable ego that a great majority of them seem to possess.

False modesty, however, is a poor imitation of modesty worn by juveniles who think themselves oh, so clever by attempting to pry undue praise to themselves for mediocre accomplishments. Most think their guises iron-clad and, to their credit, any asinine audience (of which there are many) is more than willing to tell these people, “Ugly? No way! You’re so pretty! And I can’t believe you think you can’t sing! Oh, of COURSE your hair looks good today!”

I don’t handle people with addictions well. If someone is addicted to heroin, do you buy him or her syringes for their birthdays? Likely not. However, no one seems to think twice about giving credit where none is due, thus feeding a Self-Esteem addiction. Perhaps it’s because few have noticed and the ones that have may not have thought that far; they just want the person to shut up about being fat. I’ve always found the silent treatment works, especially when you’re looking for an indirect way to make these people stop trying to hang out with you. If someone has a need, a true emotional need, to be right all the time, I’m far less likely to give him or her that satisfaction. We all know those who would sooner swallow their own head and shit it out their ass than admit to being wrong and yet people continue to enable that behavior for the sake of avoiding further hassle.

I’d like to add here that I highly advise against calling these people out on such tendencies with little or no warrant. It makes you look like an ass and you’re probably going to lose that one. People, by nature, rarely contemplate their personalities enough to pinpoint the less-than-admirable traits within themselves. They’re probably aware of it to some degree though. It’s much like encountering a very disfigured person on the street; you acknowledge the existence of the person, yet you try to ignore him or her in order to keep yourself from staring. You know they’re there, threatening to enter your line of vision so you keep them confined to the periphery.

If you ever notice someone becoming uncharacteristically silent, perhaps even stalling conversation at a random moment, it’s likely they’ve been made aware of whatever unlikable trait you possess and continue to feed. I dwell on the inflated ego so much because I’ve found no other single transgression that can boast the numbers of people it appears to afflict. Maybe I’m just unlikely in the company I find. It would, however, be a blessing by every definition of the word if people were to stop giving me “hints” as a means of fishing for compliments. I’m not an idiot, I can see through you, and you’re not getting any. Go away.